Hey news snobs, pretend you’re in a restaurant

Photo of random food

Photo of random food

This post will make no sense until you’ve read Scott Kleinberg’s Tribune article from Friday. So read it, if you haven’t already, then come back. Please.


Take your time. I’m still typing.


Now, imagine this ludicrous conversation at a favorite eatery:


Me: “Could you send the manager over, please?”

Waiter: “Gladly.”

Manager: “Is there a problem, sir?”

Me: “Yes. Why would you have liver & onions on the menu?  I hate liver. I hate onions. Yet you have them together as one dish. It’s silly. ”

Manager: “Perhaps you should consider ordering another dish then.”

Me: “Well duh. I’m obviously not going to order something I don’t like. But why even bother to offer it if I don’t like it?”

“Sir, look around you. Do you notice the other diners? Those at other tables, who’ve also come here to eat?”

“Yeah, I see them. I don’t see your point, but I see them.”

“My point, sir, is that we have many patrons at this establishment. Good, salt-of-the-earth folk who like a wide variety of cuisine, including our liver and onions. We have a vast selection of menu items, something for everyone. Sure, we considered just opening a Cap’n Crunch bar for diners like yourself, but ultimately, we chose to offer food that would appeal to a much more diverse clientele. I’m quite sorry if you’re unable to find anything here you would enjoy for dinner.”

“That’s not the case at all, my man. There’s lots of food here I like. Except for the stuff on pretzel buns, and your chef’s insistence that everything is better when he adds avocado to it, I’ve had many delightful dishes of yours. I just don’t understand why I have to read the liver entry on the menu.”

Patient Manager: “Again, I apologize sir. But have you considered simply reading past the liver and onions, and finding options that interest you? By now, you could have scarfed down 3 of our fabulous burgers, or any of our wonderful steak cuts, in the time it has taken us to have this conversation. Yet you seem more focused on pointing out that which you dislike.”

“But it’s on your menu. You put it there so that I would have to see it.”

Incredulous Manager: “Yes sir. We put it there so everyone can see it. But no one has to order it. In fact, some of our regulars don’t even read the description of certain dishes, if the name alone doesn’t appeal to them. You know, they just kind of move on to the next item. They move on.”

“Whatever. I still don’t get why you would have items on your menu that I would never eat.”

Exasperated Manager: “Once more, sir, I do apologize. We are simply trying to provide options that would interest everyone. So sorry if we’ve wasted your time. If you would like to leave without dining with us this evening, I understand, and take no offense.”

“Um…no, that’s ok. I’m probably still gonna order my usual.”

Rolling-eyes Manager: “How lovely. Enjoy, sir.”

“One more thing…”


“Can you send over a children’s menu?”



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.