Don’t Be Fueled By Anything Less

I had no idea how serious these runnerds are about their equipment.

Sure, I knew you needed to have good running shoes. They’ve got those special shirts that wick away moisture, whatever that means, and those rib-high shorts made from tissue paper. A nice light pair of parachute pants and a windbreaker help make running bearable when the weather gets cold. I know about all these fashion to-do’s. What I didn’t know about the runnerd culture is the veritable plethora of energy foods and, dare I call them, candy items available.

Long gone are the days of choking down Power Bars and munching on granola washed down with Gatorade. Now you’ve got your energy chews, gels, brews…Heck, I even saw an energy waffle in the store today. Know what else they have? Sport Beans. Not the green or yellow garden-variety beans; that’s another blog altogether. I’m talking about jelly beans with a boost! Can you just imagine your small children on Easter Sunday with a basket full of chocolate and caffeinated jelly beans? If it’s not too much trouble, please videotape that scene for me. Maybe invite the whole neighborhood over for an Easter egg hunt. I bet America’s Funniest Videos sends you a self-addressed stamped envelope to make sure that one gets into their hands as quickly as possible.

I bought a whole slew of this stuff today. I’m going to try them out one at a time, and see if the difference is noticeable. A cursory glance at the labels tells me some of these are for the pre-run, some for during a run itself, and others for after a run is complete. Seems to me if I use them all at their proper intervals, I should be able to go for days without sleeping. What they won’t be able to do for me…what no amount of candy-coated stimulant can provide…is the motivation to get out there and run. That remains my biggest obstacle.

Then again, maybe I’ll go ahead and try them all at once. Watch for me in your neighborhood. I’ll be the one with the Forrest Gump beard who hasn’t stopped for days, carrying the pumpkin-shaped trick-or-treat bucket full of candergy.


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