Tuesday, there’s a court hearing in Chicago that I won’t be attending.
It a prove-up hearing, where Jennifer and I show that we no longer want to be married to each other, and that neither of us accepts any responsibility for the other’s future. Of course, only half of that is true. Jennifer wants a divorce; I do not. So why am I not attending? Because it will do more harm to me than good.
Jennifer has done an excellent job of making sure I don’t have any false hope of our marriage being salvageable. If I thought there was the slightest chance she would change her mind if I pleaded with her before the court, I’d be there with bells on. There is none. She would have reached out to me by now if she was having a change of heart.
In lieu of appearing in court, I had to have the Marital Settlement Agreement signed and notarized, which I then mailed to her attorney. I hate this document. This feels like i have “approved” this divorce process. I don’t approve–in fact, in makes me cry just typing the words–but seeing Jennifer (we haven’t seen each other since January 6) again would only cause me more pain. It somehow took me until the past 2 weeks to realize that she doesn’t love me anymore. That’s the root of all this. SHE DOESN’T LOVE ME ANYMORE. And I can’t argue that. I can argue all the points she made back in January about why I’ve been a disappointing husband, but as Bonnie Raitt once said, I can’t make her love me.
That’s the reality of all this. She’s out of love, and sees no future for us together. I don’t need to see that in her eyes. I don’t need to tell her how much I still care about us, only to hear her say she doesn’t. I’ve reluctantly signed off on paperwork that allows this to happen; I don’t need to be there in person to witness it. So if any of you question why I wouldn’t attend the hearing and fight for my marriage, now you have an explanation. it just won’t help.
Sadly, tomorrow is the end.